I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
