Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you had me at cake vodka
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
