Whod you bang
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
