So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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