I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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