sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
