...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Someone signed my nipple.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
