Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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