I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
