On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
