Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I love having hate sex.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I AM VODKA MAN
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize