Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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