My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
