My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
