Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize