We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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