Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
