I need help removing her.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
