So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
