Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My cat gives me a boner
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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