please come you make the beer taste better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
