How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
