You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
