I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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