he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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