I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
