I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
