The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
