he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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