he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
