thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
