I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
