She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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