some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
