I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
