your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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