I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
