Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize