i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize