You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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