Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
