so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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