Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
