i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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