my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
