It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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