She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize