and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But break dance skills will only take you so far
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
