dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
