I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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