I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
