Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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