So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
