I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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