I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
