we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
