the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
