I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize