Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
