Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
