That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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