he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
