you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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