so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize