So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
