Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
