If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
