So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
