1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize